Tried to Skip the FET

But couldnt.

From my last failed fresh cycle, I ended up with 1 embryo to freeze that was of fair quality. Well, when I had my meeting with my RE to review my cycle this week, we found that my 1 fair quality embryo became a good quality embryo (which is the highest rating) by the 6th day.  But still, we only have 1 to transfer. So my RE came up with a plan:

  • Skip my FET and save my frozen embryo
  • Go on to the fresh cycle and if that doesn‚Äôt work, hopefully I‚Äôll have made more embryos to freeze
  • Then if I need to do another FET, I can use more frozen embryo from last time in addition to the more that I will have hopefully made so I can transfer 2.¬†¬†

I thought this was a pretty good idea. I felt good about the plan. My refund program that I am in requires me to do the following:

  • 1 Fresh cycle, 1 frozen cycle, 1 fresh cycle, 1 frozen cycle.

The clinic told me that before I go on with the plan that my RE thought of, which was to forfeit one FET, I should check with my refund program to make sure it doesn’t affect my refund in any way. Well, I did and¬†apparently forfeiting 1 FET cycle will make me ineligible to receive my refund if I don‚Äôt end up getting pregnant because I have not exhausted all of my available options. Since I have 1 embryo to freeze, I should transfer it.

Now I have to do my FET with my one¬†frozen embryo, before going onto my fresh¬†IVF.¬† ¬†I guess I’m ok with it, but I had built up some excitement about starting a new fresh cycle already, which resulted in a minor let down. On the brighter side, my 1 frozen embryo became a good quality embryo when it froze.¬† I was also glad to hear from my RE that the thawing rate is 90% at my clinic, so he’s pretty sure it will be thawed when comes time¬† I have to transfer.

I will probably do a medicated FET because this past natural FET was a fail. I had not grown any follicles and my RE seems to think it might be due to stress. Which it probably was. So now I’m just waiting for my day 1 to come so I can figure out what my plan is.

It’s probably better that I’m doing the medicated cycle this next time since I will be going on a much-needed¬†vacay in a few weeks. I can probably manipulate my cycle a bit so that I can adjust it to when I get back.

-trufflelove

Life Goes On….

And eventually, Aunt Flow comes… with a vengeance.

In death, divorce, and other tragedies… you experience unexplainable and excruciating pain. You feel as if the world is tumbling down on you, and you wonder how you will survive, how you will breathe, and how you will feel happy again. But slowly with time, you begin to find your rhythm again. You¬†heal and you find new ways to alleviate¬†the pain; and you will¬†survive. ¬†Infertility is no different. BFN’s¬†are no different; because this vicious cycle is just that… a cycle. and then you start again.

I stopped my progesterone pills on Wednesday after my beta, and I started spotting yesterday (thursday). I felt all the usual AF cramps¬† yesterday and my spotting was¬†dark. Normally, I don’t spot and I go right into full flow period, but the hormones must be doing a number to my insides down there because I spotted throughout the day yesterday.¬† And today, AF is back and she is angry. My period is black. Not dark red, but black black. It took me a little by surprise this morning when I went to the bathroom. But, I’m glad to be ridding of this old lining in my body. Good riddance.¬† I’m done with you. I’m extra thirsty, bloated, and super tired – all my unwelcomed but familiar AF symptoms…

Life goes on. New love, new life, new beginnings, and periods happen every day… and i guess… you just deal.

-trufflelove

Final Beta – and Real Feelings

I’m feeling blue.

Today was my beta, and before I went I took one last pregnancy test. This time, not the cheapie¬†sticks, but the FRER¬†one. It was of course, negative. But I got up, showered, got ready for my day, made myself a cup of coffee at home and tried to enjoy it before driving over. Oh, and even though I know it’s all over, I take another progesterone pill because well, I don’t know….

I get to the clinic heavy-hearted¬†but I am glad I’m seen¬†right away. I get my blood drawn with a very nice technician (maybe she was extra nice to me¬†given what type of draw this was) and I was on my way. And as much as I knew it was negative for the last few days that I have been testing, walking from the clinic door to my car I suddenly streamed tears. It’s all over. 6 weeks of letting myself feel more and more hopeful, that this cycle¬†HAS to work, all down the toilet.¬†Now, I have to do a whole new cycle, the frozen embryo transfer cycle, and I’m less than optimistic about this one. I have 1 frozen embryo and¬†it was not my best two.¬†If my best two didn’t make it, what makes me think that this¬†one will? I¬†cry on and off on my drive to work and then have to get it together because I have a meeting in the morning that I’m supposed to co-lead.

I am also frustrated with Mr. Truffles. Over and over I read all your blogs about how wonderful your husbands are throughout the infertility process. And don’t get me wrong, I feel blessed to have Mr. Truffles and feel thankful and secure and ‘not-alone’ most of journey we’re on. He makes great efforts, and tries to be sensitive to how I may be feeling on top of dealing with his own emotions… But these last¬†few days, I’ve been feeling alone.¬† I’m going to be real in this blog and say I am upset too. Mr. Truffles is away right now visiting his hometown (for only one night) because his best friend is in from out-of-town.¬†¬†He took a mid-week day off to do so, and I totally told him he should go. But now that he really did go, I feel upset, and alone and wish he hadn’t. I don’t¬†want to be that needy wife that doesn’t understand her husbands need to have a night to himself every now and then, but today, I really don’t care.

I was the one that told him to go… but how was I supposed to know how I would¬†feel going into my final beta. I wanted him there to give me a hug in the morning before I went. And I wanted him to feel bad that I have to, yet again, get another blood draw (and I hate needles). I wanted him to be attentive to me, the whole cycle, to the end, in fact, until I get pregnant because even though he probably deserves a day off every now and then, I don’t ever get one myself. I’m feeling sensitive, and feeling sad, I’m¬†feeling upset, and alone, and I don’t¬†like the idea of him out having a great time with his friends having beers. I’m feeling selfish, but I don’t feel bad about it. ¬†He didn’t even so much give me a text this morning before I went in for my beta.

You guys all write¬†how wonderful your spouses are, but do you still feel the way I do? Is this normal? Despite your spouses’ many great efforts, are there moments you feel you are in this cycle alone? Carrying the burden of wanting to create a family? I’m probably feeling extra sensitive and extra emotional right now.

I think I need to stop because I’m tearing up. ¬†But thank you for all your wonderful and encouraging comments. I really appreciate them.

-trufflelove

6dp5dt

Alright, I’m feeling a bit negative about this cycle. Mr. Truffles and I went away this weekend and had a wonderful time relaxing and spending good quality time together. Although I was really relaxed, I always had every cramp/symptom in the back of my head wondering if I was preggo. There were many moments where I really thought I might be pregnant, but there were also moments where I doubted it as well.

Today, I came home and tested at around 4:30pm. BFN. It was not my morning urine, so I know… it’s not the final verdict, but I’m just not feeling too hot about it this cycle.

symptoms:
-Boobs no longer hurt anymore
-I can ‘feel’ my uterus. Like I can feel where it’s sitting. I’ve never had this feeling before but this could be my head playing tricks on me.
-That’s it.

I also realized this trip that a family member who went through IVF to get pregnant mentioned she had spotting before her BFP. Also my friend who conceived naturally had spotting when she knew she was pregnant and I have none. I know every woman does not get implantation bleeding but still..

Wednesday (my beta) cannot come soon enough. I either want to get this party started in celebrating expanding our family, or give myself a good wallow before getting back my game face on for a FET. Hope you all had a good wknd!

-truffle

What happens after 5 day transfer?

(taken from: http://www.nyufertilitycenter.org/ivf/embryo_transfer)

5-Day Transfer

Days Past
Transfer (DPT)
Embryo Development
One The blastocyst begins to hatch out of its shell
Two The blastocyst continues to hatch out of its shell and begins to attach itself to the uterus
Three The blastocyst attaches deeper into the uterine lining, beginning implantation
Four Implantation continues
Five Implantation is complete, cells that will eventually become the placenta and fetus have begun to develop
Six Human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) starts to enter the blood stream
Seven Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Eight Fetal development continues and hCG continues to be secreted
Nine Levels of hCG are now high enough to detect a pregnancy

Interesting to see where we’re at. I hope¬†my embie(s) are busy implanting!!!

3dp5dt – Emo Bus

It’s day 3 after my 5 day transfer, and I’m on the emo¬†bus. Well, I think it’s as good as it can be considering the capacity in which I can really get emo sometimes, but still… I am. In the last three days I’ve gone from¬†feeling so beyond thankful to my husband for taking care of me, and then¬†dong the ugly cry about feeling fat, and ugly and pimply… all probably within the same hour.¬†

Symptoms-wise I can’t tell what I’m feeling because the monstrous progesterone pills I vaginally¬†insert (gross – but still thankful it’s not the PIO shots). But if I can sum it up into words I feel:

  • tired – i¬†cannot stay awake past 10:30 even if i try.
  • have hot flashes – most especially shortly after a dose of progesterone
  • cramps – this one is tricky cause even when i¬†feel cramps, i’m thinking ‘is this a cramp?’
  • gas – yesterday was the most gaseous I’ve been in a while
  • moody – emo bus
  • hungry – i¬†had a starbucks¬†oatmeal today at 8am. then at 10am, i¬†had to have my emergency oatmeal i¬†keep at my desk cause i was starving

I don’t¬†feel like I’m feeling much, despite my little list here. Is it normal not to feel anything and still get a BFP? I have my beta on the 15th, but don’t¬†know if I can hold off testing before hand. If egg retrieval¬†was considered ovulation day, I would be on Day 9 right now. Still early I suppose. Mr. Truffle and I are going to go away for the weekend (somewhere driveable) to try to¬†distract and relax. I really hope I’m pregnant. I don’t know how I will deal with it if I’m not ūüė¶ I’m already scared. this wait sucks.

-truffle

 

 

Transfer Day

Yesterday was my transfer day. I was considering either going to work in the morning before heading to the clinic, or going to the gym – something I haven’t done in weeks. WEEKS! I decided to go to the gym. I walked/ran for 30 minutes, came home, ate breakfast and mr.truffles came to pick¬† me up. I was instructed to come with a full bladder, so I guzzled¬†half of a sobe¬†lifewater in the car.

We don’t wait long and we’re lead to the transfer room. The embryologist comes to chat with us.¬† She gave us a pic of our embies, and there were two. She said they were on the cusp of Grade A, but were considered a B so she is recommending transferring¬†2 embies¬†instead of 1-which we thought for sure was going to happen given our age and the previous progress of our embies¬†a few days ago.¬† We were shocked at first at the strong possibility of having twins. Mr. Truffles ask questions regarding the health of me and future babies. The RE came in and confidently said he recommends transferring 2. so we did.

The transfer itself was easy and quick. Having a full bladder was not so fun. It was cool to see the catheter going into the uterus. On our way home Mr. Truffles and I picked up some food. I ate my lunch at home and Mr. Truffles went back to work. I then zonked out for 4 hours. straight.

I’ve been taking it easy ever since. Mr. Truffles made dinner and it was nice to just sit back and relax, although I feel like I am gaining weight ūüėõ

I’ve been feeling some light cramping here and there, sometimes more on my right side. I wonder if this is implantation cramping. I’m also back at work today. I’m nervous to think of what my reaction will be if I get a negative. What will I do? Ugh….

-truffle