Chemical Pregnancy…

Hope everyone had a great weekend. Mr. Truffles and I had a relaxing weekend with family, which is what I needed.

I thought I’d share my story about my chemical pregnancy today. This happened during my IUI#1. For this cycle, I was put on 5mg of letrozole on days 4-8. The only side effects that I felt as a result of the letrozole were daily headaches, but they were not too bad because I took the pill after work at around 5-6pm, so my headaches occurred nearing bedtime, which allowed me to sleep through most of the pain.

We didn’t trigger because I wasn’t able to get the Ovridell shot to me on such short notice, so our nurse told us to use OPK’s and call in the first day that I got my first ++. I call in on CD 14 when I notice the first positive and am told to come in on CD 16 for my IUI. The IUI itself was really easy. The nurse that administered the IUI’s name was Sarah; she was so nice and so positive and told me that it could really happen this time. She let me know Mr. Truffles had rock star sperm counts and assured me that  she put the sperm up as high into the uterus as she could.  She wouldn’t really let me stay in and lay down for 10 minutes like I thought she would, but the whole experience was all in all, easy. I contemplated going back to work (even though I guess there’s no point in not going in) and eventually decided to go in.

I felt a few symptom cramps and a few implantation twinges (or at least I thought I did) and started testing on CD9. Early, I know. Then on CD11, I saw the faintest of faint pink line! I counted’ believe it. I just kept running around the house looking at the stick in all different types of lighting. By the window, in the bedroom, in the other bathroom…. I also opened up our balcony and looked at it outside. The line was definitely there. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I just felt nervous and jittery, like woah. I ran to a store that carries baby things near by, and immediately wanted to find a little baby gift for Mr Truffles. But the stuff in that store was so blah. I drove all the way down to the mall because, well, I wanted the moment to be perfect, with the perfect non-blah gift! While at the mall, I had the stick in my pocket and pulled it out in the mall every 2 minutes or so just happy as can be. I went into land of the nod, jack and jill, nordstrom, and couldn’t find anything that I wanted to give Mr. Truffle. All the while I’m still looking at that positive stick roaming around the mall at 8pm. I remember I felt dizzy and felt a woosh of something going on in my body. But I was happy because, I’m pregnant! Im supposed to feel that way! I walked into a store and got a little ‘Daddy’ book for Mr. Truffles, and came home. When Mr. Truffles got home from a late night at work, I was in a giddy mood, and it took all that I had to not want to blurt out, I’m preggers! Looking back, I think in the back of my mind, I knew I needed to wait and make sure everything was ok before letting out the news. The next morning, I peed on a stick, and it was stark white. I didn’t feel dizzy and I didn’t feel anymore cramping. But I thought to myself, I went pee in the middle of the night 2 times. I’m sure my urine will need to be more concentrated so I packed another test and took it to work. At work, again, stark white. Bum Hard. I then emailed Mr. Truffles and just blurted out what had happened, and cried in front of my computer at work. I hate doing that.

This particular cycle was obviously a very hard one for me. The amount of hope I had put in this IUI, especially because we had just talked to our RE who was pretty confident in us, the 2 years that we’ve been trying, the people getting pregnant all around me, people constantly asking me when Mr. Truffle and I were going to have a baby, the many times I had to deny a glass of wine with friends and come up with a good reason why, the times I would slow down my working out, the times during my tww that I would deny eating certain foods, the amount of friggin pineapples i would eat, the every hope i would think whenever my boobs hurt or when i had cramps on ‘one side’, the time my family member would call me because they were finally pregnant, the amount of effort it takes for me not to be jealous of those around me who are pregnant, how I wish I could give my parents and my parents in law a cute little baby button to coo and cah over, the fact that i know that my mom, my DH, and myself have to act like ‘it’ll be ok, it’ll happen next time’ and be strong for yet another month, and the fact that i know that Mr. Truffle and I would be great and loving parents, and the fear that maybe God just doesn’t’ think we are ready yet – that i need a little more growing to do beforehand ….. all this came crashing down on me at once and gave me a heavy heart of despair, loss of hope, frustration, and I just felt weak. And another worry to add to my list, not only do I have a hard time getting pregnant in the first place, will I have to fear of miscarrying once i DO?

I know it was only our first IUI. I know that some people see chemical pregnancies as a good sign that i CAN get pregnant, but I knew that my second IUI would be my last before IVF.  I think my anxiousness has tempered a lot more than in the first few months that I have been ttc-ing and I hope and pray that it is a direct reflection of me maturing, being patient, being strong, and in God’s eyes, more ready to be a parent than I was before.  I feel closer to Mr. Truffle, I lean on him daily, and although I’m not ready to ‘go public’ about my infertility, I have taken steps to reach out to communities like this blog world in hopes to share my journey and meet other strong, hopeful, and patient women to inspire me along the way.

-truffle

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