So get this: I have a boss that I wrote about in a previous post here. She is one of the few people I told about my IVF/fertility treatments. We have an odd relationship. We are somewhat ‘friends’ but she is also my boss so we have butted heads a few times because we find ourselves in that awkward grey space of going back and forth. I started off telling her about my infertility because I had to take so much time off for my appointments, and then I just kept telling her more because she kept asking me.
The problem for me, about telling people, is that once you don’t talk to them about it for a while, they ask you about it. And a lot of the times, they are asking you when you do NOT want to talk about it, like when you have had a failed IVF cycle, or when you are extra sensitive about fertility and want to take your mind OFF of fertility instead of telling them about it. It also personally gives me anxiety when I have missed a day or have come into work late because of an appointment, I feel like they want to ask me ‘how things went’ or ‘what are you going to do now’ etc. It just stresses me out unnecessarily.
So i have been doing really good this FET cycle. I haven’t been stressed or thinking that my boss was curious of what I was doing. I thought maybe she just lost interest or the ‘womanly’ side of her told her to just let me be for a while. Well, this morning I had my appointment which caused me to be late coming into work than before. And while normally she would have known about it because I would have to get her OK to come into work late, I switched supervisors because my old boss was better at training new employees, had we had just hired a newbee. (To my new supervisor I have just been telling her that I have an ‘appointment’ and that is good enough for her so I don’t say more) Anyway, she saw me come in late, but I didn’t say anything and went about my day.
I have my Transfer day coming up on the 8th and decided I was going to take the 8th and the 9th off to relax after my procedure. At my job we have this dumb process where we have to mark in a very public calendar what days we are taking off. My old manager called me into her office at around 4pm today and said, I noticed you were taking 2 days of ‘sick’ time off, and we haven’t talked about your baby thing for a while, so what is going on? So I told her. I told her I was doing a transfer, that I had 1 embryo and that I was planning on doing my transfer. I told her more than I probably wanted to, but once I started, I just blabbed everything. ugh.
So this evening, hubby is at a retreat, and I come home after having dinner with a girlfriend and am watching TV on the couch. I have this weird anxious feeling and am trying to figure out what it is. and I come to the conclusion that this cycle, no one knew what the plan was except for Mr. Truffles and me. I was oddly doing really well, happy, stress-free, almost to the point of having to be reminded that I needed to take my Lupron shot at night because I wouldn’t be anticipating the fact that I needed to take it like I did in my fresh cycle. So I’m annoyed, anxious, and stressed at home while watching TV alone at home and I basically did the weirdest thing. I texted my boss. Yes. On a Friday night at 9:40pm (like 10 minutes ago). UGH, I am such a turd.
This is what I texted to her exactly:
It made me feel weird after talking about my treatments today, like i have jinxed them or something so let’s not talk about it anymore at work. I just want to be under the radar and not think about it… Please don’t take offense! I’ll let you know when something *good* happens 🙂 thanks! Have a good wknd!
Yep, I did. and now I feel likehow you feel when you wake up the next morning after a drunken evening and realized that you drunk texted your ex boyfriend all night.
But… I did it… I can’t change it, so I need to stop stressing over what was nothing in the first place right? I’m just embarrassed now, and probably could have handled it in a better, more boss/work appropriate way.
Ugh, why did I do that.