Life Goes On….

And eventually, Aunt Flow comes… with a vengeance.

In death, divorce, and other tragedies… you experience unexplainable and excruciating pain. You feel as if the world is tumbling down on you, and you wonder how you will survive, how you will breathe, and how you will feel happy again. But slowly with time, you begin to find your rhythm again. You heal and you find new ways to alleviate the pain; and you will survive.  Infertility is no different. BFN’s are no different; because this vicious cycle is just that… a cycle. and then you start again.

I stopped my progesterone pills on Wednesday after my beta, and I started spotting yesterday (thursday). I felt all the usual AF cramps  yesterday and my spotting was dark. Normally, I don’t spot and I go right into full flow period, but the hormones must be doing a number to my insides down there because I spotted throughout the day yesterday.  And today, AF is back and she is angry. My period is black. Not dark red, but black black. It took me a little by surprise this morning when I went to the bathroom. But, I’m glad to be ridding of this old lining in my body. Good riddance.  I’m done with you. I’m extra thirsty, bloated, and super tired – all my unwelcomed but familiar AF symptoms…

Life goes on. New love, new life, new beginnings, and periods happen every day… and i guess… you just deal.



15 responses

  1. Interesting. It was the opposite for me after I stopped the progesterone when I received the news of my BFN. I always have spotting during a normal, drug-free month but AF came full force this time with no spotting. Took me by surprise too.

    • Thanks Kelbel. In a weird way, I feel less anxious now that AF is here. At least the waiting and ‘what if, or what if it isn’t’ is over. The anxiety of ripping the bandaid off is always worse than actually ripping the bandaid off 😛

  2. I just hate how all the period symptoms are so similar to what people say pregnancy symptoms feel like. I spent a lot of time on google during my IUI/TWW’s and that was not the best idea.
    Hope AF goes quickly and alleviates the pain soon! Good luck next round!!
    Oh, and the hormones definitely will make things weird and unusual!

  3. I had the worst AF ever after the BFN…I was out of commission for a couple of days…its such a cruel joke…its not bad enough that we have to endure a failure its compounded by the pain of AF!!! I hope you feel better!!!

  4. Everytime I had a negative, I thought my period was angry too. I hated it- I wanted to just leave my body because I had failed somehow to get pregnant. It always was such so angry and black. I totally felt like it was mocking me. I’m a little behind in reading your blog, but my DH can go either way on the infertility thing. Sometimes he is there and other times he is not. However, all the times he is not is when I gave him a pass. I however, will never do that again. I am strong, but only with support. So, now I ask for his support and don’t feel guilty about it.

  5. Visiting from ICLW. I’m so sorry for your BFN. 😦 I like what you said about endings. I hope that you get a wonderful beginning very soon that continues to a happy ending.

    • hi there~ feeling kinda in limbo. the hubs and i had a major fight over the weekend and now we are talking about whether we want to ‘wait’ a cycle or not. i have been given the green light to do a natural FET so i dont really have to do anything until next week so hopefully we can resolve this stress and move on already. thanks for checking up on me! xo

  6. Stupid AF. I am so sorry, I hate this grief cycle that we seem destined to have to suffer again and again. I am stopping by from ICLW, it is nice to have a chance to nose round some new blogs.

  7. I’m coming from ICLW and I am so incredibly sorry to hear about your loss! I also just had a failed cycle (it was an FET, or IVF failed also). Sending you lots of positive thoughts and hating on AF with you.

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