Final Beta – and Real Feelings

I’m feeling blue.

Today was my beta, and before I went I took one last pregnancy test. This time, not the cheapie sticks, but the FRER one. It was of course, negative. But I got up, showered, got ready for my day, made myself a cup of coffee at home and tried to enjoy it before driving over. Oh, and even though I know it’s all over, I take another progesterone pill because well, I don’t know….

I get to the clinic heavy-hearted but I am glad I’m seen right away. I get my blood drawn with a very nice technician (maybe she was extra nice to me given what type of draw this was) and I was on my way. And as much as I knew it was negative for the last few days that I have been testing, walking from the clinic door to my car I suddenly streamed tears. It’s all over. 6 weeks of letting myself feel more and more hopeful, that this cycle HAS to work, all down the toilet. Now, I have to do a whole new cycle, the frozen embryo transfer cycle, and I’m less than optimistic about this one. I have 1 frozen embryo and it was not my best two. If my best two didn’t make it, what makes me think that this one will? I cry on and off on my drive to work and then have to get it together because I have a meeting in the morning that I’m supposed to co-lead.

I am also frustrated with Mr. Truffles. Over and over I read all your blogs about how wonderful your husbands are throughout the infertility process. And don’t get me wrong, I feel blessed to have Mr. Truffles and feel thankful and secure and ‘not-alone’ most of journey we’re on. He makes great efforts, and tries to be sensitive to how I may be feeling on top of dealing with his own emotions… But these last few days, I’ve been feeling alone.  I’m going to be real in this blog and say I am upset too. Mr. Truffles is away right now visiting his hometown (for only one night) because his best friend is in from out-of-town.  He took a mid-week day off to do so, and I totally told him he should go. But now that he really did go, I feel upset, and alone and wish he hadn’t. I don’t want to be that needy wife that doesn’t understand her husbands need to have a night to himself every now and then, but today, I really don’t care.

I was the one that told him to go… but how was I supposed to know how I would feel going into my final beta. I wanted him there to give me a hug in the morning before I went. And I wanted him to feel bad that I have to, yet again, get another blood draw (and I hate needles). I wanted him to be attentive to me, the whole cycle, to the end, in fact, until I get pregnant because even though he probably deserves a day off every now and then, I don’t ever get one myself. I’m feeling sensitive, and feeling sad, I’m feeling upset, and alone, and I don’t like the idea of him out having a great time with his friends having beers. I’m feeling selfish, but I don’t feel bad about it.  He didn’t even so much give me a text this morning before I went in for my beta.

You guys all write how wonderful your spouses are, but do you still feel the way I do? Is this normal? Despite your spouses’ many great efforts, are there moments you feel you are in this cycle alone? Carrying the burden of wanting to create a family? I’m probably feeling extra sensitive and extra emotional right now.

I think I need to stop because I’m tearing up.  But thank you for all your wonderful and encouraging comments. I really appreciate them.



15 responses

  1. Found my way here from the ICLW list.
    I’m so sorry you had to go in for your beta already knowing the result. The end of a cycle is always hard, but more so when you’re feeling alone. Do know that you are not alone with feeling sad, upset and hurt with your husband. I love my guy very much, but sometimes he just doesn’t understand or seem to get it. As many others have told me, guys don’t always get how difficult or hard it is going through each cycle. We’re the ones having the appointments, injecting ourselves, going through the procedures, etc. Our guys support us (or why else would they be going through this with us), but they just don’t always get it. *big hugs* I hope you’ll feel a bit better after a good night’s rest.

  2. I’m sorry you’re feeling so blue and am sorry for the bfn 😦 my hubs is great most of the time but we’ve recenl had to stop talking about his best mates (whose baby is over due by a week today) because I get upset,costhey don’t ‘deserve’ this baby , but heubs won’t defend me by having a word with his mate about how painful his gazillion posts n bump pics are to me. Thuis mate knows about our if. And hubs won’t talk about it. Totally Sucks and makes me feel very alone. Hugs

  3. *hugs* I am so sorry that it was a bfn – I can completely understand why you are feeling so blue. Same as Arwen, my husband is great most of the times except when he isn’t. The other night I rec’d an email completely out of the blue about from a friend announcing her brother’s first baby. The message really hit me hard (I hardly ever hear from this friend.) and when I said something to hubby about it he said “oh well, I’m happy for them”. I got upset that he just brushed it off when I was looking for a hug and maybe “I’m sorry this is so hard for you.” Just remember you are not alone – you have all of us. 🙂

  4. I am so sorry…you are so strong because I was balling when I had my beta which I knew would be negative…I totally get about being alone…my hubby sometimes does not get it…he is an optimist in this situation and tells me its not the end of the world but for me at that point it was…IVF usually is the solution and when it cannot be solved you feel hopeless…sometimes we feel alone in this journey since we are the ones getting the injections and the sonograms…its hard for them to understand the physical and emotional toll it can take…I had to sit my hubby down to explain that its more than just a failure…you put a lot on the line to have it fail is heart breaking…we are all here for support but try to explain how you are feeling to him so he can better understand what is going on and in the future he can be the support you need!!!

  5. I’m so sorry dear. I’ve noticed with my husband that as much as he tries, sometimes he doesn’t really get it. Sometimes I need to tell him exactly what I need, and what I expect from him. When I get upset by pregnancy announcements, he thinks I’m ridiculous. Men are just wired differently. I’m sure your husband doesn’t mean to be insensitive in any way.
    Big hugs to you. I’m sure it’s incredibly difficult, and I can’t imagine how much you’re hurting. We’re all rooting for you. Stay hopeful.

  6. I’m so sorry about the BFN. For what it’s worth, I tend to be extra kind on my blog about my husband because the blog has been shared with people we know in real life. It’s not for everyone to know when we have issues or disagreements. While he was great about a lot of things during this process, we also had real disagreements about our very different “attitudes.” Big hugs to you.

  7. I am so sorry. What a devastating day…it’s so unfair! : ( And to be all alone and not feel like you have shoulder to lean on makes it that much harder. I love my husband and he is pretty amazing, but we definitely have our moments! That is for sure. A couple times during this whole IVF process we had to have a few “come to Jesus” conversations where I had to really “help” him understand where I was coming from. It is not an easy thing and I think it really is so hard for our men to understand what we have been through day in and day out through these long IVF cycles. My heart is with you and I so wish I could make it ALL better. I’m sorry, friend.

  8. I wish I could be there in person to give you a *hug*. It’s okay sweetie, it’s normal to feel the way you do. I came home the day of my beta and was so upset that I took it out on my husband. Even though I have tested for days knowing it is negative.

    It will be our turn soon! I talked to my acupuncturist today and she said FET’s are more successful than fresh because 1) the doctor will be able to control our hormones and body to be ready for implantation 2) We know the embryo is strong because it can freeze and be thawed!


    • I think it’s lame your husband went out of town on beta day. Even if you know the results it’s a huge day. I don’t think you are being selfish at all but I doubt your husband will get why you feel that way. It’s just how they are sometimes. But don’t feel bad about how you are feeling.

  9. I’m so sorry to hear about your BFN 😦 And I’m sorry you aren’t feeling comforted by your husband. I agree with most others…my husband is amazing and tries his best, but there are some things he just doesn’t understand – not his fault, but still feel a bit alone in things when he doesn’t. Hang in there!

  10. I definitely feel that way from time to time about my hubby. He is great about the big picture of IF but he is lacking in some of the more in depth details, like the debate of transferring 1 embryo or 2. He continually argues for a 1 embryo transfer regardless of the increase in odds it gives us for actually achieving a pregnancy. I stand firmly for a 2 embryo transfer. So we (or rather, I) ended up compromising: we did 1 embryo for our first cycle (which failed) and now I’m insisting on 2 embryos for our second cycle. I was frustrated with the 1 embryo transfer the first time and his lack of understanding why I wanted 2 so there is no way I’m giving in to only 1 embryo for the second round. It’s like he doesn’t get how hard this is and how desperate we are (or maybe it’s just me) to have a baby or how much my body has to go through during IVF.

    Then there’s the whole relying on me for information thing. I constantly get questions from him because “I know more about this than he does.” I know more because I read more. He is fully capabaly of reading about IF online just like I do. Educate yourself, I say!

  11. Yep… You’re not alone with the frustrating hubby. I recently miscarried at 13 weeks and it was awful. Hubby was great, supportive, sad.. Then after 2 weeks of me grieving he said he ‘didn’t want to talk about it anymore’ because it made him too sad. I respect his feelings but it meant I had to continue grieving, silently. I burdened my friends a bit, but didn’t want to consume them either. It’s now been exactly 4 months and it’s getting easier, but I’m not ‘over it’ and it sucked to feel I was going through this alone- it was OUR baby- but he buried his grief and moved on, while it wasn’t so fast for me…

  12. The whole process is so overwhelming and emotionally draining, I think it’s perfectly normal to feel frustrated at a spouse. As much as a husband is going through the process, in my opinion, it’s not the same as what the female has to go through. I’m so sorry to hear that your beta was negative.

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