I’m feeling blue.
Today was my beta, and before I went I took one last pregnancy test. This time, not the cheapie sticks, but the FRER one. It was of course, negative. But I got up, showered, got ready for my day, made myself a cup of coffee at home and tried to enjoy it before driving over. Oh, and even though I know it’s all over, I take another progesterone pill because well, I don’t know….
I get to the clinic heavy-hearted but I am glad I’m seen right away. I get my blood drawn with a very nice technician (maybe she was extra nice to me given what type of draw this was) and I was on my way. And as much as I knew it was negative for the last few days that I have been testing, walking from the clinic door to my car I suddenly streamed tears. It’s all over. 6 weeks of letting myself feel more and more hopeful, that this cycle HAS to work, all down the toilet. Now, I have to do a whole new cycle, the frozen embryo transfer cycle, and I’m less than optimistic about this one. I have 1 frozen embryo and it was not my best two. If my best two didn’t make it, what makes me think that this one will? I cry on and off on my drive to work and then have to get it together because I have a meeting in the morning that I’m supposed to co-lead.
I am also frustrated with Mr. Truffles. Over and over I read all your blogs about how wonderful your husbands are throughout the infertility process. And don’t get me wrong, I feel blessed to have Mr. Truffles and feel thankful and secure and ‘not-alone’ most of journey we’re on. He makes great efforts, and tries to be sensitive to how I may be feeling on top of dealing with his own emotions… But these last few days, I’ve been feeling alone. I’m going to be real in this blog and say I am upset too. Mr. Truffles is away right now visiting his hometown (for only one night) because his best friend is in from out-of-town. He took a mid-week day off to do so, and I totally told him he should go. But now that he really did go, I feel upset, and alone and wish he hadn’t. I don’t want to be that needy wife that doesn’t understand her husbands need to have a night to himself every now and then, but today, I really don’t care.
I was the one that told him to go… but how was I supposed to know how I would feel going into my final beta. I wanted him there to give me a hug in the morning before I went. And I wanted him to feel bad that I have to, yet again, get another blood draw (and I hate needles). I wanted him to be attentive to me, the whole cycle, to the end, in fact, until I get pregnant because even though he probably deserves a day off every now and then, I don’t ever get one myself. I’m feeling sensitive, and feeling sad, I’m feeling upset, and alone, and I don’t like the idea of him out having a great time with his friends having beers. I’m feeling selfish, but I don’t feel bad about it. He didn’t even so much give me a text this morning before I went in for my beta.
You guys all write how wonderful your spouses are, but do you still feel the way I do? Is this normal? Despite your spouses’ many great efforts, are there moments you feel you are in this cycle alone? Carrying the burden of wanting to create a family? I’m probably feeling extra sensitive and extra emotional right now.
I think I need to stop because I’m tearing up. But thank you for all your wonderful and encouraging comments. I really appreciate them.